Breakable

It’s been a while…..I’ve always loved that song by Staind. Did you know the lead singer Aaron Lewis is now a country singer? What is the world coming to right? Ha. As you can suspect, I’m not a country music fan at all.

Anyway, I’ve been occupied with work and a few other things so much it’s been a few weeks since I’ve blogged anything. It’s very early here Sunday morning and it’s quiet and calm in my home. I have my cup of coffee or I should say cup of creamer and I’m relaxed and having deep thoughts. I’ll catch you up on a few things in my tiny world.

I fell in the parking lot at work on Thursday evening when I was leaving. I landed on my knee and jumped up immediately hoping no one saw me fall. As I hobbled to my car with my cute wedge heel hanging off of my ankle for dear life I slid into the car, slammed the door and took a deep breath. FML is the first thought that came to mind. The knee started swelling immediately as my pants got really tight quickly like I was turning into the incredible hulk. I put on my rap music and hit the button to take the top down and for my 45 minute drive home I zoned out and forgot about my problems.

As I limped my way inside the house when I got home my husband asked what happened and I explained what had happened. He immediately went into “Why do you wear those heels? When are you going to learn?” Yes, he got ice and put it on my knee for me after I changed into shorts and a t-shirt. But, he constantly puts me down lately. When he touches me, it’s only because he wants you know what. I’ll spare you those details. But even THAT is as if he’s angry with me or he’s somewhat punishing me.

I’ve not been happy lately with my home situation, with him, with life. I believe I’ve been putting a band-aid on it for so long that the band-aid isn’t working anymore. I’ve tried to get through it and just accept it. He talks to me about work and only work stuff. He asks my opinion and I give it. But talking about anything else, there’s nothing there. We eat dinner together and on weekends we watch TV together. It’s as if we’re just floating through life numb. I often wonder if he feels it too and notices what is happening. I’ve mentioned it to him a few months back and he apologized and said he would try harder. I thought maybe that would help. It hasn’t. Nothing has changed.

I’m at the point or shall I say the cross roads of what is my next move? Do I mention it again that I feel as if something is missing and things aren’t what they used to be? Do I suggest seeing a therapist together? Do I want that or have I given up on us or him?

It’s a pretty big deal for me to blog about this. I’m a private person and protect the ones that I love by not sharing such personal issues here like this. But I need an outlet. I’ve never blogged about him but once and that was when it was happier times. I don’t blog about him because I thought possibly he might actually read my blog from time to time and he’s super private. But since I wrote a chapter in the book…..”Daddy” about my Dad of course, I’ve had it sitting on our coffee table for weeks now and he hasn’t even read it. In my eyes, that’s a slap in my face. He doesn’t care enough about me to read a chapter I wrote? I’ve never written anything that was actually published before until Kathy invited me to. It’s a pretty big deal for me. I would think he would want to read it and encourage me or to be proud of my accomplishment. It means nothing to him, maybe I mean nothing to him. It’s important to me. How can he not see how important this is to me?

It makes me feel like I’m nothing to him. How many times do I tell him how he makes me feel? Do I make him read the chapter? Why would I MAKE him read it if he doesn’t want to? There’s no use, I want him to WANT to read it. It’s about my father and daughter relationship and what I went through but he doesn’t want to know that about me I guess.

I’ve always seen myself as strong, confident, and fearless. He makes me feel meaningless. I’m contemplating bringing up that we should separate. But, do I want to be alone? I’ve already had one previous failed marriage, I don’t want another one but the way I feel now is that it cannot be saved. I’m hurt and don’t feel loved or worthy anymore with him.

But I worry about him financially. Will he keep the house and be able to afford it? Or will he leave and get his own place but he won’t be able to afford to live on his own. He doesn’t make as much as I do. I want him to be comfortable and OK. I will be OK financially, probably not emotionally but I can only hope that I would gain strength being alone eventually.

I never thought I could be broken again but that’s what I feel like right now…breakable. I’ve got some decisions to make. We’re flying to NY this coming Thurs to visit his parents. I’ll make a decision in next coming weeks and how to approach this and handle this. It’s going to be very difficult but it needs to be said and done.

Any advice or suggestions are welcome on how to handle this. I’m open…..I could use some support right about now 🙂

 

 

 

Advertisements

A Piece Of My Life – Daddy Reflections

Hi Loves,

In the last few months you’ve probably seen my posts on the interviews with K E Garland AKA Kathy for her book “Daddy”.  Since it is Father’s Day I thought I would share this with all of you.

This book is memoirs of several women (including myself) of failed relationships between daughter’s and father’s. Before you assume it’s a depressing read, it’s really not. In these stories you’ll see that most of us all have some positive learning experiences going through these series of events.

I would love for you to purchase this book and read it. No matter who you are, I believe everyone could learn something from the experiences we share in this book. Also, a portion of the proceeds will be contributed to each of our favorite charities. Mine being The Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund.

Below is my interview with Dr. K E Garland. Thank you for stopping by and reading a piece of my life as always.

One more thing, I’m happy to say I will be spending some time with my Daddy today.

Daddy Contributor Lennon Carlyle

Beautiful Sandra

Happy Birthday!

I call Sandra my Bestie here on WP. Granted I’ve not been around much lately but she is my ride or die girl. She’s a bitchnificent kind of chic, she’s my people. I absolutely adore her. I say it all of the time and I know she thinks I’m crazy because we’ve never actually met in person but I swear we’re going to one of these days. Know what I love so much about her? She’s real. She doesn’t sugar coat jack shit. When she’s down, she’s really down and she shares her low moments on her blog. When she writes…..Fuck. She writes. Her fiction is incredible. She doesn’t think so but I do and it that says a lot because I’m actually not a big fan of fiction. But, she lures me in every single time. I read one and then I can’t stop, it’s comparable to me eating chips I suppose. I can’t eat just one, I mean who can really?

Today I want to celebrate her because she’s such an amazing friend to me. She gets me and whether she wants to believe it or not, she inspires me, makes me laugh, understands when I’m down and what I need. She’s truly an exceptional friend to me. If you have time, please pay her a visit and wish her a Happy Birthday. If you’ve got five bucks or you’re possibly filthy rich, buy her a cup of coffee? You can do this on her blog where you see the little coffee mug with the heart on it. I’m planning on buying her a few myself.  What Sandra Thinks

This song makes me think of our friendship….I have my heart set that you feel the love today……..

Fire N Gold – Bea Miller

 

 

 

 

Take Me Back?

I’m almost ashamed to post anything at all here. I’ve been absent almost an entire month.

Would love to tell all of you that I’ve been traveling or doing something incredibly exciting. Um…..that would be a big fat negative.

I’ll be honest and tell you I’ve been consumed with work and my own self righteous pity party. Lately I’ve not been happy. It’s hard to describe my issues.

Normally I’m a happy free spirited scrappy kinda chic. The last few months something has crept into my mind to torment me and make me feel pretty low.

I can’t help but think maybe it’s because I’ve not been writing anything or interracting with some of the most amazing people I’ve ever known….. here on WP.

Do you think that we all could have a closer bond sometimes than the people that we see everyday? At times I think so. It doesn’t seem as if we put up a front or pretend to be something we’re not here on WP.

So…..will you take me back? I’m so sorry I’ve not been around and haven’t read your blogs. I’m here now and hope to be here regularly again.

XO – Lennon

Daddy: Dr. K E Garland

Good Sunday Morning Loves,

Lately I’ve been sharing with you the interviews with Dr. K E Garland and the women that contributed to her anthology. This book has eye opening cases of how significant a father and daughter relationship impacts our lives.

I was elated when my entry to this book was chosen to be among so many amazing contributors. Yes, it’s immensely personal but was very healing for me. Soon I’ll be interviewed and will share it here on my blog as well.

This book is to give father’s an awareness of how their love, time, and life examples effect their daughter’s lives for their futures. It’s also a book to liberate any daughter’s that do have Daddy Issues.

I highly recommend this read for anyone. It’s profound, moving, genuine and restorative. Also, a portion of the book’s proceeds will be contributed to an organization important to each participant.

The eBook version of Daddy is available now for pre-order!

The paperback version of Daddy is forthcoming, June 2, 2018.

 

DADDY: Reflections of Father-Daughter Relationships (Cover Reveal)

Hi Loves, It’s been a minute since I’ve posted anything here but please check out the cover reveal of my friend’s new book. I was privileged enough to contribute my own Father-Daughter story to this book as well. Hope everyone has a Happy Easter!

K E Garland

I write to inspire. I write to motivate people to re-think social issues. I write to raise women’s voices because, although women make up nearly half of the world’s population, many times our experiences are not heard, and subsequently, devalued.

To that end, I’ve compiled another anthology. This time, I’ve invited 13 women to write memoirs centered on their father-daughter relationships. Over the next couple of months, I’ll introduce you to ten of the writers. Each Friday, they’ll explain why they wrote and what they hope to accomplish by participating in such a project.

1521808695783

SYNOPSIS

A father’s presence is important in a daughter’s life. He is the first man a little girl sees and knows. He demonstrates how men relate to women.

But what happens when the father-daughter relationship is dysfunctional? Daddy answers that question.

Included are fourteen memoirs that describe the impact a failed father-daughter relationship can have…

View original post 234 more words