Looking Back…Part II

If you missed Part I, you’ll want to read it first so here you go…


Now for Part II…

He was out of town so I called an attorney and got in to see him the next morning. I filed for divorce and had some friends move me out and into an apartment by Thursday. I didn’t take everything, just what I needed. I didn’t clear out his bank account as we had separate accounts. I took what was mine and left. But come Friday evening I was waiting for him to arrive at the house from being on the road all week. I was sitting on the sofa when he walked in and kissed me on the forehead. He hadn’t noticed a few pictures were not on the walls or the coffee table was even gone. He fixed a drink and sat down in the living room across from me.

“Something’s different in here. What is it?” Before I could answer him he then said “There’s something different about you too.”

I stood up shaking and said “I’ve moved out. I’ve filed for divorce and the papers are on the kitchen table. Please drop them by the attorney’s office this week.”

His mouth was wide open and he scratched his head and said “Why?” I sighed….”You know exactly why. You don’t think you have a problem. You treat me like shit. I’ve fallen out of love with you. It’s for the best.”

“Don’t leave me. You’re all I’ve got. I love you and I’ll change. I’ll go to counseling with you. We can make this work.”

“I went to counseling. Where the fuck were you? Oh, that’s right, you were hear drinking, smoking weed, snorting blow up your nose with your friends. You’re not going to charm me out of leaving you. It’s done.”

I got up and walked out while he stood in the doorway watching me. I immediately drove over to his parents house and explained it all to them. It was very difficult for me to tell them. Not once did I cry when I told him I was leaving but I cried a river telling his family. They begged me not to go and to try to make it work. They reminded me of my vows and how God would see us through it. I told them not this time. I also told them that God hadn’t seen me or him through it. I was losing my faith. Not only had my husband broken the vows but so had I in having an affair.

I can remember them hugging me so tight as I stood to leave their house. Not only had I left my husband but I was leaving this beautiful loving family that had taken me under their wing and loved me as their own. It was almost like a death.

As I began my new life it was a relief to me. He would no longer put me down or push me around. I could be whoever I wanted to be. I had about eight girlfriends that were my family now. I didn’t want to move back to my hometown. I had a great career and my own place for the first time in my life. Things were definitely changing for the better.

Somehow he found my phone number and my apartment. He then started calling and leaving notes on my door. He also showed up at work a few times. I kept telling him it was over. After a few weeks he finally stopped.

A couple of months went by and I heard he’d met someone. Mutual friends told me she looked a lot like me. Instead of thinking “He’s moved on. I’m happy for him.” The first thing that came to mind was “That poor girl.” I said a prayer for her and her little girl as I heard she had a three year old daughter.

His Mom and his little sister came to see me a few times at work to say hi. Each time it was very hard. All three of us would hug and cry missing each other so much. A few days later he showed up to my work and asked me to cut off all communication with his family. He said he was engaged and his Mom wouldn’t let me go. She kept telling him she would never accept anyone else and that we were meant to be together. He said she wouldn’t take our pictures off of the walls and tormented his new fiance’ stating she would never fill my shoes. I agreed to his request as I felt so bad for his new fiance.

The next time his Mom and little sister came by my office to see me I told them that it had to stop. It was his request and that they had to move on and accept his new fiance. It was his wishes and we all needed to move on. I told them it was breaking my heart to tell them goodbye as it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to say to someone. I’m tearing up now just writing about it. I can’t express the love I had for these two women. I could see how hurt they were too. They hugged me and told me they would never forget me and that they knew it was the right thing to do and that God would want them to let me go but it was killing them. I can remember having to leave the office that day and go home because I was so distraught. I cried for days after saying goodbye to them. That hurt the most of anything else I’d ever been through in my twenty five years.

As I let go of that beautiful modern day Walton family I began to find myself. I learned to live alone and to appreciate myself. I enjoyed being alone and spending time with my girlfriends when the time allowed. I worked on my inner strength and decided who I was and I liked myself. I determined that I could live being single the rest of my life. I was happy and in control of my life and I had no one to please or to answer to.

As most of you know I dated some and have posted some single day moments which you can find here…





And then I met my husband. You can read one piece I’ve written about him below…


He’s extremely private. The complete opposite of me but he is my “person”. God I honestly love him more than the air that I breath. It took me years to find myself and to love myself again and that’s when we found each other. He’s told me so many times that he cannot imagine me ever being weak, helpless, confused, or unsure of myself or in any situation. I’ve grown so much strength in myself and independence it’s almost scary how different I am today than I was when I was first married.

As time went by I heard through friends that my ex-sister-in-law with down syndrome passed away. She was only 47 years old. I could only imagine the heartbreak and depression my ex-mother-in-law must have went through. Less than a year later I heard she also passed away. No, I didn’t reach out to make contact after either of them passed away. I prayed. I prayed hard that the family had peace and I cried too. I was shocked they were both gone and the last thing I had said to them many years ago was goodbye and to let me go and to move on. Talk about emotionally hurting inside.

I decided to make a trip back to Tennessee to visit my girlfriends a few weeks later. I spent a weekend of drinking cocktails, eating dinner, reminiscing, shopping and just fantastic girl time with them. But on Sunday afternoon when I was about to head out of town…two of them went with me to the cemetery to find those precious headstones. As we finally found them and I was arm and arm with my girlfriends I dropped to my knees and began to cry. I remember softly saying “I’m here now. I’m here. I’m so so sorry I said goodbye so many years ago. I wish I wouldn’t have given in and allowed you to be a part of my life. I’ve missed you both more than you will ever know. I love the way you loved me and one day I will see you again in heaven and tell you I love you all over again. We’ll have a fresh start when I arrive, promise.”

My heart is so heavy now writing this and sharing this with all of you. It was so surreal for me to be on my knees crying and visiting their graves. I was able to finally talk to them again. Sure, they weren’t really there but they knew. I feel they knew I was there and possibly looking down on me and smiling. My girlfriends were so sweet to go with me and to be there for me while I had my emotional melt down. We left roses for them and walked away all crying. It was the exact closure I needed. They were family to me. Family I had lost many moons ago but were still deeply in my heart. Still to this day I miss them terribly but I am happy I had the years I had with them.

My ex married the girl that looked like me and had a little girl. A few  years later she left him. She is remarried and I’ve heard he’s still an addict and a functioning one like always. He has a great job and is still living in Tennessee. He’s lost more family members recently. So sad.

Although I do not want to be his friend nor will I accept that friend request… I wish him nothing but happiness and hope that one day he will realize he deserves so much more. Maybe one day he’ll realize a sober life is a better life. I don’t regret meeting him or marrying him. It’s made me who I am today. I love ME today. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I’m happy and no one will ever take my happy away. I’m in control always and I deserve happiness just like all of you do.

So, if someone ever makes you feel bad about yourself or mistreats you…know your worth. You are valuable. You are worthy of happiness. Go make it happen. You control your life. Take care of you. We can’t always fix the people we love. It’s OK to let go sometimes. You’ll have to make that decision on your own. Just know there are other options for you. You don’t have to be in a bad situation. Get the fuck out if you’re unhappy. Again, you are so worthy.

Find your happiness loves! I sure did….XOXO




Looking Back…Part I

I knew it would spill out of me one day here. Sometimes I hold things in for a while and think about it before I write about it. This particular post has been brewing in my mind for about eight months. Call it fate possibly?

A few days ago I received a friend request on the dreaded FB. Yeah, I have an account on the “My Face” as my Dad likes to call it. Ha. It’s under my real name as I like to follow my family members all over the US. This friend request made my face turn white as a ghost.

That face I left over sixteen years ago was in a tiny little square staring right at me. Why am I shocked? He’s done this before. Why in God’s name does he think I would want to be his friend? What goes through his mind to think I would want anything to do with him? Can he not see in my profile picture…my happily ever after with my once in a life time love, my handsome as ever husband with me? Yeah, it was my ex-husband.

So why not blog about my first husband and why we divorced. Maybe I can help someone else or just encourage someone out there. It’s hard though to lay it all out. I don’t care for bringing up my past and my weaknesses because I’m so incredibly different now. It seems like it was a movie I watched years ago.

We met in my home town. He was charming, the most mature guy I’d ever dated. He was five years older than me. He lived next door and took me out on “real” dates. He would send flowers, buy me things, tell me he was crazy about me and how he wanted to take care of me one day. Seriously Ladies, he knew exactly what to say. I fell in love with him fast and hard.   Although I knew I loved him after just a couple of months I waited about four months to give myself to him intimately. He waited patiently for me during those four months. After that we grew stronger together and were so in love.

Eventually we moved in together in a much nicer condo and began a new life together. After a few days of living together I realized he had some issues. My Mom warned me saying “There’s always something wrong with the ones that seem so perfect.” She was right. He drank seven & seven like gatorade. He averaged about six tall glasses of that mixed drink a night. I also realized his beautiful bright green plants that he so adored were marijuana plants that he harvested. Sure, there were just five in the condo but he had weed stashed everywhere and smoked that daily too.

After a few months of trying to get used to it or deal with it I decided I couldn’t live with him anymore. The loud music all night, him falling down, passing out, etc. got old fast. I told him I wanted to break up and moved in with my Mom. It was devastating as I so loved him and missed him like crazy. He would call, send the flowers, leave notes on my car and so on begging for forgiveness and how we could make it work.

He finally talked me into going out for dinner one night. He charmed me and told me how he discovered he had a problem and how he had changed and quit smoking pot and drinking all together and he was a new man. He asked me to marry him as he had accepted a new job in his  hometown in TN. He said he wouldn’t go with out me. In my mind I saw him leaving for that job and never seeing him again and I still loved him. He pitched the idea to me so well and convinced me he had changed that I said yes and packed my shit and moved to TN with him and married him a week later. This all happened within a year of meeting him.

I came from a broken family. My parents were divorced and I felt like I hadn’t found myself. I didn’t want to stay in my hometown and cry over my lost love. I thought I’d fixed him. It was time to reap the rewards of the life I’d always wanted. I never wanted to stay and live in that hometown. I wanted to escape my broken family and live happily ever after far far away.

When I settled into my domesticated married lifestyle in Tennessee I fell completely in love with his large sweet family. Some of you might not remember The Walton’s but they were a lot like this cherished family. They were the modern day Walton’s. They were salt of the earth people. Living in the mountains with these lovable mountain people was a dream come true. They did every thing together. Cooking was a huge part of their lives. His Mom and sisters taught me how to cook. We would sit around snapping beans, cooking and chatting and sharing life stories and laughing at the nieces and nephews playing. They honestly treated me as if I were their own. I formed a bond with his Mom and his little sister. His Mom was my best friend. She was the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. She was a God fearing Christian woman and I admired her so much. There was something nurturing about her, she knew how to love. Cooking was her way of showing us all how much she loved us. He had five siblings and they were all very close. His younger sister had down syndrome and was so affectionate and loving. I would spend the weekends hitting garage sales with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. We would go to church every Sunday and fix Sunday dinner.

This life was like something out of TV Land. I was happy, cared for, loved, and had found my people. The family I’d always dreamed of having. This family loved me. I felt like I was a baby swaddled in a warm cozy blanket and protected from all bad things.

After a few months he went back to drinking and smoking pot. I don’t want any of you to think I was prudish and strictly straight and narrow. But when he was running into things, passing out, slurring and falling down, it was a problem. He would put me down constantly and tell me I needed to loosen up and to quit nagging him. He would try to push or  hit me but was too drunk to do any damage. His words hurt the worst. It got even worse when he got a promotion at work and started traveling Monday – Friday. He would drink on the road and party all night. He was no doubt a functioning alcoholic.  I would constantly try to get him to get help and to understand he had a problem. He didn’t think he had a problem at all of course.

Even when he rolled back into town on Friday evenings the first thing he would do was mix a drink and find his weed stash and fire up. Before you even ask, did I throw the weed out or the alcohol out? I sure did. But, guess what? He was a grown ass man and would just buy more. He didn’t care if I threw his stuff out. He would laugh and just call a local dealer.

This went on for five years. Why did I stay with him? A few reasons…I didn’t want to look like a fool. My pride got the best of me. I cannot stand to be wrong or to hear “I told you so.” I knew my Mom would lay that line out for me to hear. I also kept praying and hoping I could FIX him. At the time I was extremely religious. I went to church with his family and prayed that he would change. His family knew of his problem all along. It just wasn’t talked about, EVER. They seemed to be so perfect and have it all together when I first arrived on the scene but they had secrets. They were still lovely caring people but they didn’t want to discuss the issues within.

I would sometimes go to his parents house to spend the night when he was wasted. I went to Al-Anon meetings trying to understand what was happening. I also saw a christian counselor too. I asked him to go with me, to get help, he refused and pretty much put me down. He would belittle me and tell me I was the problem.

I can remember his Mom telling me…”You should just get pregnant. I bet if you got pregnant he would change. He would love that baby and he would straighten out his life for the baby.” I couldn’t believe she would think such a thing. Why would I want to bring a baby into this lifestyle? Besides, if I had a baby it would tie me to him the rest of my life.

The Al-Anon meetings and the counseling didn’t help much at all. I felt like my marriage was failing and I was severely depressed. I wanted out but was ashamed. I was afraid of being alone and how would I manage on my own with bills and living there with no family. But one Saturday night when he had all of his friends over I went down to the basement where they would shoot pool, play loud music etc. and I saw him snorting cocaine.

That’s when the game changed. In my mind I knew it was over. I knew that there was no forgiving him of this. He was worse off than I had thought. I got angry then. I also felt as if I wanted to hurt him now. How could he ruin our marriage this way? I thought he loved me? He loves the drugs and alcohol more than me. That’s who and what he loves, not me.

The feelings running through me were hatred towards my husband and looking at him as if he were the weakest man I’d ever known. It was as if my feelings for him flipped in one split second. I confided in a co-worker which was a good friend but a male friend. He was attractive, sweet, younger than me and listened. He told me about his marital problems and then we had drinks after work one night. One thing led to another and we had an affair. We leaned on each other way too much. I was meeting him once a week to have drinks and sex. It was my release and in my warped twisted mind I was getting my husband back for what he had done. He had chosen his alcohol and drugs over me. So why couldn’t I fuck someone else? This is how my mind worked. It’s how twisted my anger was.

I did feel guilty from time to time. But I would dismiss it telling myself that he started the war against our marriage so it was OK for me to sleep with the other guy. Yeah, it was sick and wrong I know. I know this now.

But one day I was soaking in a hot bath and it was as if I had a flash back of my childhood. I can remember my Mom crying after my Dad called her a few choice words and told her she was worthless and then punched a hole in the wall right in front of me. I was probably eight years old. After he walked out of the room I hugged my Mom and as she hugged me back crying. I whispered in her ear “Mommy, you can leave him. I would never let any man treat me the way Daddy treats you. You’re strong and you can do it.”

At that very moment I thought,  It’s over. I was going to leave him and tell my friend with benefits it was over too. Fuck both of them. I don’t need anyone to take care of ME. I am strong and I will not live this way. I do not need to rely on any man for ANYTHING. I would not allow any other man to ever disrespect me or treat me badly. I was tired of making excuses for my husband. Sure, he had an illness or an addiction or whatever you want to call it but I wasn’t going to be his doormat. That was on a Monday evening.

This is just the first segment so I think  here is a good point to stop for now. I don’t want this to turn into a book. But, there’s much more to tell.







A Sexy Halloween Story


Happy Halloween My Little Goblins,

A few weeks ago I wrote this fetching little tale for my entry in Tess’s Wicked Wednesday blog. If you enjoy mysterious erotica sex stories, she’s your hook up. Check her out at https://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/99069366

In the spirit of Halloween I thought I would share with you my first short story I’ve written. I mentioned earlier in the week that I might dabble in the sex blogging once a week so here’s the first one for you Trick Or Treaters.

Carried Away In The Big Easy

One of the Partners at the firm invited me to his Halloween party. Rarely had I been out in the last two years since I was trying to prove myself. I was the youngest attorney and had just won my eleventh case. Cause for celebration don’t you think? The party was going to be one of a kind. He had rented out an old funeral home and was having an open bar with an incredible DJ spinning some serious beats.

Now, what will my costume be?

A Witch? A Devil? Or A Maid?

I needed something unusual and something that would hide my identity. This was just in case I wanted to prowl around and get into something out of the ordinary.

That’s it! CAT WOMAN! Yes! Why not show off my curves tonight. Let’s face it, I’m blonde, blue eyed, 5’9”, 129 lbs, nice rack, hour glass is in check. Purrrrfect!

The night had arrived and I was beyond ready. I must say I looked incredible. My full lips were shimmering with my favorite lollipop red lipstick. Although I was wearing the mask I decided to wear my hair down. Why not show off the blonde locks since every single day I wear it up in a messy bun. I wanted to be someone other than Poppy tonight. I wanted to be someone reckless and daring.

The leather felt righteous against my skin. This costume really showed off my hips and my tits. The thigh high platform boots made me feel superior. The limo picked me up and off I went. As I entered the party a Lurch greeted me with a glass of champagne on a tray. Oh! How I love the bubbly. It always makes me feel kittenish. I walk over to the bar where I see Luke Skywalker AKA “The Partner” that is throwing this magnificent Halloween party. I might need to check out Star Wars because Luke was killin’ it. I know, where have I been to have never seen Star Wars?

Honestly, “The Partner” and I really don’t know each other well at all. He knows nothing about me personally. He makes eye contact with me and asks “Would you like another drink?”

I’m shaking in my boots at this point and wondering does he recognize me? In a fake Jersey accent I quickly reply “Of course I would love another drink.” (Note: I was in drama club in High School and had it perfected)

He orders me a Tombstone Tea. He leans into my ear and whispers “It’s refreshing but will put a spell on you.”

Is he hitting on me? Well, this could be the dare that I’m looking for this evening. Yes! Winning!

I’ve never noticed how green his eyes are. He has this extremely deep voice and even with these kick ass boots I’m wearing he’s still towering me. He introduces himself and I stretch out my hand introducing myself as Finn, a girl that came with a date that I can’t find and how I’m really not “feeling it” and how I’m trying to ditch this guy. He assures me that he can help with that. Hmmm… Oh really?

After three tombstone teas and four glasses of champagne I find myself arm and arm with “The Partner” walking down Frenchmen Street passing the bars and giggling at whatever he’s saying in my ear.

He stops abruptly and says “I’m going to take you to one of my favorite haunts.” We take a turn down a dark alley and just a few feet away I see a wrought iron archway. There’s a sign but it’s dark and my vision is blurry at this point. I’m feeling fantastical and will go wherever “The Partner” wants to take me.

As we enter the gate he suddenly scoops me up like a child and carries me. “I wouldn’t want you to stumble and hurt yourself in those boots Finn. This cobblestone is broken in some spots.” I could get used to this…I put my arms around his neck and within just a few steps I realize we’re in a cemetery. The full moon is shining on the graves as if covered in glitter. This is nightmarish but also enchanting.

He carries me up a couple of steps and gently puts me down while he opens this shrill sounding door. He grabs my hand and pulls me into this tiny little dark room. He suddenly grabs the back of my hair and pulls my head back and begins kissing my neck. I immediately get chills up my spine. He then lifts me up onto his waist and I wrap my legs around him as he walks me over to something behind me and props me up on it. His kisses are hard and wet.

He’s drinking me in. He tastes like caramel and whiskey. His tongue is delicious and wanting.

My mind says Stop – Don’t do this. I kept thinking, this is “The Partner” at my firm and I really shouldn’t be making out with him. Truth was, I wanted him badly. His lips were full like mine. He bit my bottom lip and the blood tasted so sweet. God, this man was fucking hot.

He picks me up off of whatever I was propped up on and flips me around facing the wall and I put my hands on something to hold myself up and realize it’s a casket. What the fuck? Oh my god, this is fucking incredible. I’m about to fuck “The Partner” in a crypt. As he unzips my cat suit and rips it down to my knees the anticipation of him touching me is beyond intoxicating. I’m wearing no panties or bra. All access approved!

He put his arm around my waist to hold me in place and then began teasing my nipple with his fingers. He grabs my face and turns it towards his and starts kissing me again. His taste is addicting. Soon his tongue is licking my ear and he whispers “How bad do you want me to fuck you Finn?” Words couldn’t escape my mouth. I just whimpered under his grip. He took his knee and pushed my legs apart and brought his hand down to my clit. His fingers were melting me. My knees were weak and I held back on screaming his name.

He suddenly stopped and I heard his zipper come down and instantly he gained entry into my tight little passage. As he entered me he let out a rough low “Fuck.” He stood there not moving with that superb cock inside of me taunting me by standing still. I wanted him to fuck me until I collapsed but instead he was taking it all in, literally.

He whispered in that deep voice, “Are you ready Finn?” I was ready but also edgy, could I handle him? I loved the feeling of fullness in my narrow tunnel.

He grabbed my hips tight, pulled me backwards and then pushed my back to where my head was between my legs. I could see his knees at this point due to the moon glaring through the stained glass. I loved the way he was taking control over me, but I wanted more.

He knew how to take me and he knew how to make me beg. I finally had all I could take and I started grinding into him. He took me by surprise with this strength and fucked me hard and fast and with ill intention. Right when I was about to cum he pulled his cock out and pulled me up and turned me to face him. My mask was still on and he reached to take it off and I quickly got to my knees and licked and sucked his glorious shaft. He was growling and then pulled me up and looked me in the eyes and said “Just let me fuck you.”
The way he said it sounded like he couldn’t live without it.

He had to have it.

He picked me up and I put my legs around him and he did exactly that. He fucked me like I’d never been fucked before. Every time he would thrust I would bounce breathless. There was a connection between us. We were driven and consumed with each other. When I came with him it was the feeling of being upside down in a roller coaster. It was absolutely thrilling.

As he hailed a cab for me he hands me his card and asks “Can I see you again Finn?” As I slide into the cab and look up at him I wink and whisper “Maybe” and as the cab pulls away I sigh with my kittenish grin.

Monday Morning arrives and I’m going over my notes for my case. I hear a knock on my office door, “Come in”. A delivery guy has me sign for a long white box with a beautiful black bow. The card reads “Finn AKA Poppy, Please enjoy these beautiful red poppies. I have to see you again. Meet me in the lobby downstairs at 8 pm. Since you’ve never seen Star Wars I thought it was about time. Your Jersey accent was outstanding but I knew it was you all along.”

He sent me poppies? Really? No one has ever done that before. How did he know? “Fuck.”