It’s been a while…..I’ve always loved that song by Staind. Did you know the lead singer Aaron Lewis is now a country singer? What is the world coming to right? Ha. As you can suspect, I’m not a country music fan at all.
Anyway, I’ve been occupied with work and a few other things so much it’s been a few weeks since I’ve blogged anything. It’s very early here Sunday morning and it’s quiet and calm in my home. I have my cup of coffee or I should say cup of creamer and I’m relaxed and having deep thoughts. I’ll catch you up on a few things in my tiny world.
I fell in the parking lot at work on Thursday evening when I was leaving. I landed on my knee and jumped up immediately hoping no one saw me fall. As I hobbled to my car with my cute wedge heel hanging off of my ankle for dear life I slid into the car, slammed the door and took a deep breath. FML is the first thought that came to mind. The knee started swelling immediately as my pants got really tight quickly like I was turning into the incredible hulk. I put on my rap music and hit the button to take the top down and for my 45 minute drive home I zoned out and forgot about my problems.
As I limped my way inside the house when I got home my husband asked what happened and I explained what had happened. He immediately went into “Why do you wear those heels? When are you going to learn?” Yes, he got ice and put it on my knee for me after I changed into shorts and a t-shirt. But, he constantly puts me down lately. When he touches me, it’s only because he wants you know what. I’ll spare you those details. But even THAT is as if he’s angry with me or he’s somewhat punishing me.
I’ve not been happy lately with my home situation, with him, with life. I believe I’ve been putting a band-aid on it for so long that the band-aid isn’t working anymore. I’ve tried to get through it and just accept it. He talks to me about work and only work stuff. He asks my opinion and I give it. But talking about anything else, there’s nothing there. We eat dinner together and on weekends we watch TV together. It’s as if we’re just floating through life numb. I often wonder if he feels it too and notices what is happening. I’ve mentioned it to him a few months back and he apologized and said he would try harder. I thought maybe that would help. It hasn’t. Nothing has changed.
I’m at the point or shall I say the cross roads of what is my next move? Do I mention it again that I feel as if something is missing and things aren’t what they used to be? Do I suggest seeing a therapist together? Do I want that or have I given up on us or him?
It’s a pretty big deal for me to blog about this. I’m a private person and protect the ones that I love by not sharing such personal issues here like this. But I need an outlet. I’ve never blogged about him but once and that was when it was happier times. I don’t blog about him because I thought possibly he might actually read my blog from time to time and he’s super private. But since I wrote a chapter in the book…..”Daddy” about my Dad of course, I’ve had it sitting on our coffee table for weeks now and he hasn’t even read it. In my eyes, that’s a slap in my face. He doesn’t care enough about me to read a chapter I wrote? I’ve never written anything that was actually published before until Kathy invited me to. It’s a pretty big deal for me. I would think he would want to read it and encourage me or to be proud of my accomplishment. It means nothing to him, maybe I mean nothing to him. It’s important to me. How can he not see how important this is to me?
It makes me feel like I’m nothing to him. How many times do I tell him how he makes me feel? Do I make him read the chapter? Why would I MAKE him read it if he doesn’t want to? There’s no use, I want him to WANT to read it. It’s about my father and daughter relationship and what I went through but he doesn’t want to know that about me I guess.
I’ve always seen myself as strong, confident, and fearless. He makes me feel meaningless. I’m contemplating bringing up that we should separate. But, do I want to be alone? I’ve already had one previous failed marriage, I don’t want another one but the way I feel now is that it cannot be saved. I’m hurt and don’t feel loved or worthy anymore with him.
But I worry about him financially. Will he keep the house and be able to afford it? Or will he leave and get his own place but he won’t be able to afford to live on his own. He doesn’t make as much as I do. I want him to be comfortable and OK. I will be OK financially, probably not emotionally but I can only hope that I would gain strength being alone eventually.
I never thought I could be broken again but that’s what I feel like right now…breakable. I’ve got some decisions to make. We’re flying to NY this coming Thurs to visit his parents. I’ll make a decision in next coming weeks and how to approach this and handle this. It’s going to be very difficult but it needs to be said and done.
Any advice or suggestions are welcome on how to handle this. I’m open…..I could use some support right about now 🙂