Everyone Has A Story

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We often pre-judge don’t we? We stereo type and immediately jump to conclusions. I hate that about myself. I’m a work in progress. I catch myself doing it and instantly feel guilty.

Everyone does have a story. We have sequels….some are slow moving and don’t catch our attention. But the next one is keeping us on the edge or makes our minds work overtime trying to understand the twists. A few sequels are shameful and we can’t believe what the character just did. How could they?

Sometimes people go through storms, hurricanes, torrential downpours and accidents happen. There’s wreckage afterwards and a lot of clean up afterwards. Some people don’t have the Disaster Relief Agencies to come to their rescue.

I think it’s safe to say we’ve all had some shit storms in life right? Did you have someone there for you to just listen?

When my friends and family tell me their problems I right away start analyzing ways to help them out of their situation. Maybe they don’t need me to fix it for them or to come up with ideas on how to address the problem. Can’t I just shut up and listen and allow them to vent? Of course I can.

I need to heed to my own advice. I write this blog mostly talking to myself. If you read this and get something from it that’s fantastic. But I use this blog as a journal/diary too because I do go back and read my stuff from time to time. It helps me to remind myself of the right things to do and I can learn from my writing this way.

In this case….I need to listen always before judging. I have no clue of the dues that someone has paid nor have I seen their receipts. I need to remember they have stories just like me.

So let’s fill our lives with our stories…whether they’re scary, sad, adventurous, thrilling, loving, or happy let’s make it the craziest finale ever.

Looking Back…Part I

I knew it would spill out of me one day here. Sometimes I hold things in for a while and think about it before I write about it. This particular post has been brewing in my mind for about eight months. Call it fate possibly?

A few days ago I received a friend request on the dreaded FB. Yeah, I have an account on the “My Face” as my Dad likes to call it. Ha. It’s under my real name as I like to follow my family members all over the US. This friend request made my face turn white as a ghost.

That face I left over sixteen years ago was in a tiny little square staring right at me. Why am I shocked? He’s done this before. Why in God’s name does he think I would want to be his friend? What goes through his mind to think I would want anything to do with him? Can he not see in my profile picture…my happily ever after with my once in a life time love, my handsome as ever husband with me? Yeah, it was my ex-husband.

So why not blog about my first husband and why we divorced. Maybe I can help someone else or just encourage someone out there. It’s hard though to lay it all out. I don’t care for bringing up my past and my weaknesses because I’m so incredibly different now. It seems like it was a movie I watched years ago.

We met in my home town. He was charming, the most mature guy I’d ever dated. He was five years older than me. He lived next door and took me out on “real” dates. He would send flowers, buy me things, tell me he was crazy about me and how he wanted to take care of me one day. Seriously Ladies, he knew exactly what to say. I fell in love with him fast and hard.   Although I knew I loved him after just a couple of months I waited about four months to give myself to him intimately. He waited patiently for me during those four months. After that we grew stronger together and were so in love.

Eventually we moved in together in a much nicer condo and began a new life together. After a few days of living together I realized he had some issues. My Mom warned me saying “There’s always something wrong with the ones that seem so perfect.” She was right. He drank seven & seven like gatorade. He averaged about six tall glasses of that mixed drink a night. I also realized his beautiful bright green plants that he so adored were marijuana plants that he harvested. Sure, there were just five in the condo but he had weed stashed everywhere and smoked that daily too.

After a few months of trying to get used to it or deal with it I decided I couldn’t live with him anymore. The loud music all night, him falling down, passing out, etc. got old fast. I told him I wanted to break up and moved in with my Mom. It was devastating as I so loved him and missed him like crazy. He would call, send the flowers, leave notes on my car and so on begging for forgiveness and how we could make it work.

He finally talked me into going out for dinner one night. He charmed me and told me how he discovered he had a problem and how he had changed and quit smoking pot and drinking all together and he was a new man. He asked me to marry him as he had accepted a new job in his  hometown in TN. He said he wouldn’t go with out me. In my mind I saw him leaving for that job and never seeing him again and I still loved him. He pitched the idea to me so well and convinced me he had changed that I said yes and packed my shit and moved to TN with him and married him a week later. This all happened within a year of meeting him.

I came from a broken family. My parents were divorced and I felt like I hadn’t found myself. I didn’t want to stay in my hometown and cry over my lost love. I thought I’d fixed him. It was time to reap the rewards of the life I’d always wanted. I never wanted to stay and live in that hometown. I wanted to escape my broken family and live happily ever after far far away.

When I settled into my domesticated married lifestyle in Tennessee I fell completely in love with his large sweet family. Some of you might not remember The Walton’s but they were a lot like this cherished family. They were the modern day Walton’s. They were salt of the earth people. Living in the mountains with these lovable mountain people was a dream come true. They did every thing together. Cooking was a huge part of their lives. His Mom and sisters taught me how to cook. We would sit around snapping beans, cooking and chatting and sharing life stories and laughing at the nieces and nephews playing. They honestly treated me as if I were their own. I formed a bond with his Mom and his little sister. His Mom was my best friend. She was the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. She was a God fearing Christian woman and I admired her so much. There was something nurturing about her, she knew how to love. Cooking was her way of showing us all how much she loved us. He had five siblings and they were all very close. His younger sister had down syndrome and was so affectionate and loving. I would spend the weekends hitting garage sales with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. We would go to church every Sunday and fix Sunday dinner.

This life was like something out of TV Land. I was happy, cared for, loved, and had found my people. The family I’d always dreamed of having. This family loved me. I felt like I was a baby swaddled in a warm cozy blanket and protected from all bad things.

After a few months he went back to drinking and smoking pot. I don’t want any of you to think I was prudish and strictly straight and narrow. But when he was running into things, passing out, slurring and falling down, it was a problem. He would put me down constantly and tell me I needed to loosen up and to quit nagging him. He would try to push or  hit me but was too drunk to do any damage. His words hurt the worst. It got even worse when he got a promotion at work and started traveling Monday – Friday. He would drink on the road and party all night. He was no doubt a functioning alcoholic.  I would constantly try to get him to get help and to understand he had a problem. He didn’t think he had a problem at all of course.

Even when he rolled back into town on Friday evenings the first thing he would do was mix a drink and find his weed stash and fire up. Before you even ask, did I throw the weed out or the alcohol out? I sure did. But, guess what? He was a grown ass man and would just buy more. He didn’t care if I threw his stuff out. He would laugh and just call a local dealer.

This went on for five years. Why did I stay with him? A few reasons…I didn’t want to look like a fool. My pride got the best of me. I cannot stand to be wrong or to hear “I told you so.” I knew my Mom would lay that line out for me to hear. I also kept praying and hoping I could FIX him. At the time I was extremely religious. I went to church with his family and prayed that he would change. His family knew of his problem all along. It just wasn’t talked about, EVER. They seemed to be so perfect and have it all together when I first arrived on the scene but they had secrets. They were still lovely caring people but they didn’t want to discuss the issues within.

I would sometimes go to his parents house to spend the night when he was wasted. I went to Al-Anon meetings trying to understand what was happening. I also saw a christian counselor too. I asked him to go with me, to get help, he refused and pretty much put me down. He would belittle me and tell me I was the problem.

I can remember his Mom telling me…”You should just get pregnant. I bet if you got pregnant he would change. He would love that baby and he would straighten out his life for the baby.” I couldn’t believe she would think such a thing. Why would I want to bring a baby into this lifestyle? Besides, if I had a baby it would tie me to him the rest of my life.

The Al-Anon meetings and the counseling didn’t help much at all. I felt like my marriage was failing and I was severely depressed. I wanted out but was ashamed. I was afraid of being alone and how would I manage on my own with bills and living there with no family. But one Saturday night when he had all of his friends over I went down to the basement where they would shoot pool, play loud music etc. and I saw him snorting cocaine.

That’s when the game changed. In my mind I knew it was over. I knew that there was no forgiving him of this. He was worse off than I had thought. I got angry then. I also felt as if I wanted to hurt him now. How could he ruin our marriage this way? I thought he loved me? He loves the drugs and alcohol more than me. That’s who and what he loves, not me.

The feelings running through me were hatred towards my husband and looking at him as if he were the weakest man I’d ever known. It was as if my feelings for him flipped in one split second. I confided in a co-worker which was a good friend but a male friend. He was attractive, sweet, younger than me and listened. He told me about his marital problems and then we had drinks after work one night. One thing led to another and we had an affair. We leaned on each other way too much. I was meeting him once a week to have drinks and sex. It was my release and in my warped twisted mind I was getting my husband back for what he had done. He had chosen his alcohol and drugs over me. So why couldn’t I fuck someone else? This is how my mind worked. It’s how twisted my anger was.

I did feel guilty from time to time. But I would dismiss it telling myself that he started the war against our marriage so it was OK for me to sleep with the other guy. Yeah, it was sick and wrong I know. I know this now.

But one day I was soaking in a hot bath and it was as if I had a flash back of my childhood. I can remember my Mom crying after my Dad called her a few choice words and told her she was worthless and then punched a hole in the wall right in front of me. I was probably eight years old. After he walked out of the room I hugged my Mom and as she hugged me back crying. I whispered in her ear “Mommy, you can leave him. I would never let any man treat me the way Daddy treats you. You’re strong and you can do it.”

At that very moment I thought,  It’s over. I was going to leave him and tell my friend with benefits it was over too. Fuck both of them. I don’t need anyone to take care of ME. I am strong and I will not live this way. I do not need to rely on any man for ANYTHING. I would not allow any other man to ever disrespect me or treat me badly. I was tired of making excuses for my husband. Sure, he had an illness or an addiction or whatever you want to call it but I wasn’t going to be his doormat. That was on a Monday evening.

This is just the first segment so I think  here is a good point to stop for now. I don’t want this to turn into a book. But, there’s much more to tell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Discoveries

I’m sitting here at Starbucks trying something different for a change. A flat white which is fantastic. I’m also blogging on my phone which is a new discovery for me. I’m normally old school and use a notebook and scribble my words down and later blog it at home. I’m an old soul when it comes to technology. I wonder how do all of you blog? Do you edit, change your words constantly, over analyze what you’re writing like myself? I’m a bit of a control freak and perfectionist. This is outside of my comfort zone.

I’ve been slacking on blogging this week because of “the sickness”. All in all it was sinusitis but felt like the flu. I had a fever, chills, vomiting, congestion, achiness, and everything else. When I’m sick I’m lacking energy and my thoughts are not so positive. Pretty much I’m a big 44 year old baby wishing my Mom would come over and hold me and scratch my back….Ha!

But now that I’m feeling better and about 90% myself…… I’m back 🙂

I’ll be preparing the Monday Eve prep later tonight. Hoping all of you loves are enjoying your Sunday!

XOXO

Beauty In Every Face

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Morning Everyone,

Yesterday as I was out & about I enjoyed the simplest little pleasure of people watching.

The function I was at had more than 40,000 people attending.

As I watched and relished in my favorite thing to do I couldn’t help but think to myself….Why don’t we choose to see the beauty in everyone?

I would pick out a person and mentally think of something unique or dazzling about them. I didn’t just do this with women but men too.

A photographer with the largest lens I’d ever seen on her Canon. She had weathered skin with a few lines. It looked like she hadn’t combed her hair in days but I couldn’t help but see the exquisiteness of her face. The stories she must have with each line. The beauty in her gleaming green eyes.

The charming older gent with his WWII Veteran Cap on. As he walked with his cane and the tenderness in his smile looking down at his granddaughter with her fairy costume on. As she jumped into a mud puddle in shear delight, he chuckled. He highfived her as she looked up at him with her wide eyes. He was beautiful to me for the way he looked at her.

We should never see ugly on anyone’s face. Of course there are many ugly things that people do or say. But, a face, a face is not ugly at all to me.

Judging a face before knowing someone’s character, personalities, their story is cruel. Because in a sense that makes you ugly….just sayin’

The stories are the mystery behind the eyes. When you look at someone, embrace what they might have to tell.

Judgment & Acceptance

Opinions

Why would you allow what people think of you to achieve power over your thoughts?

Is their judgment more meaningful than what you think of yourself?

Do not be a victim to their advice unless you ask for it. Some people do have your best interest at heart and have excellent opinions to give. You should know the difference.

Be confident in your thoughts and decisions. You do not require validation from anyone but yourself. You are always in control. If you’re not, get a handle on it.

Confidence should be a silent inner strength but insecurities stand out with a sign. People feed on those insecurities. Never apologize for being you and real.

In life we will be criticized, judged, and shamed but, remember their opinions are not facts. They’re not in your shoes and have no clue of what storms you’ve been through or are fighting right now. Do not allow your inner voice to drown.

Love your decisions and learn from the mistakes. We’re all awkward and imperfect in different areas and that’s what makes us original.

You’re good enough, worthy, and magnificent. Now, go out and prove it!

Theatrical Pity

There are many things that annoy me but the #1 annoyance is the whole “Pity Me” theatrical.

People that are so self-absorbed and whimper about the slightest little thing provoke my dark sarcastic split personality.

For instance, someone I work with is constantly whining about her neck, step daughter’s doctor’s appointments, the rain, the ugly colored flowers in front of our office, the grass not being green enough?

Another example is of another co-worker that gets in a fowl mood of “feel sorry for me” because I hate my job and then talks “baby talk” all day long. I can barely understand what she’s saying. All I hear coming out of her mouth is “Goo Goo Gah Gah”.

It’s almost as if these people are unstable or something. When I come into work I don’t bring in any drama from my personal life, that is IF I have any. I’m pretty much a drama free chic. I can’t stand that shit obviously.

I just don’t understand why people don’t make a change if they’re so miserable with their circumstances. Either change your attitude or handle your shit. Or better yet be grateful for what is going right in your life. There is ALWAYS something to be thankful for. Why always look at the negative in your life and bitch and moan about it to everyone else?

Pull yourself up and brush that dirt off your shoulders and stop feeling sorry for yourself. It’s not attractive and you’re killin everyone else’s vibes. Don’t be a fucking downer.

Ok, now that I’ve turned into one of these people by blogging about it and being a whiny little bitch, I’ll end my rant.

Now, let’s be fierce and fabulous and get shit done! 🙂

Monday Under Construction

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I’m pretty sure everyone is unfavorable of Monday’s. You’ve known all along it was coming and here it is….Monday Eve prep.

When I say prep, I mean, I have to start with my head and pump myself up for the shenanigans that are forthcoming tomorrow. I think it’s ironic that tonight is the premier for the new season of The Walking Dead. No doubt tomorrow morning I’ll walk into the office and I’ll see “walkers” among me.

The “Walkers” that I speak of are the kind that are inattentive, lethargic and procrastinating. Sure, we’re all like this from time to time. The struggle is real on a Monday morning isn’t it?

Well, I believe if we have the mindset that we’re thankful for another day and these jobs that we’re going to, it will set the tone for all of us.

Whether we’re dreading going into work or not, if we start with our heads I think it will make a difference in the way we perceive our Monday.

Remember you are powerful in your thoughts. You control your happiness and your attitude. Honestly, I think it takes more energy to be negative than it does to be positive.

Be enthusiastic about a fresh start to the work week. Reinvent yourself possibly? Switch things up a bit. Instead of wearing the same lip gloss how about change it up and put on a bold shade? Fellas, try the blonde roast at Starbucks instead of the usual White Chocolate Mocha. Wear a different tie that has been hidden in the back of the closet for a special occasion. Treat yo self to something special in the morning to start the day off with a little offering to yourself. Or better yet, pay for the car behind you in the drive thru.

Random acts of kindness benefit you and the benefactor. It can change your entire day.

Make your Monday constructive and purposeful. Who wants a Mundane Monday anyways? Make it count.

Unhinged Aggressors

Looking at you…Looking at me.
Gritting my teeth in this outer body experience.
Foreseeing this crash is gruesome.
You’re magnetic and disturbing.
Being in this moment I cannot withdraw from your grip.
Do I even want to?
You and I together were phenomenal.
Little did I know your edges were razor sharp.
Your sinister moves were no match for me.
Evil amateur at it’s best.
Duplicates in disguise all along.
Warped….Wounded and Finished.

Get Your 80’s On

So a few days ago I was explaining how music is my air. It helps me understand my feelings. It’s my out from the world. I wanted to share some of my favorites with you so I’ll be posting lists from time to time. This one is my 80’s favorites. Some of you teens and twenties haven’t had the pleasure of hearing some of these possibly? God I feel old. Why is it that the 80’s seem like just 5 years ago? These are not ranked at all. Just a list of the ones that I can’t live without. Maybe some of you have forgotten about these and maybe this will take you down memory lane and pop some really fun memories in your brain…….

Let’s Go Crazy – Prince

Relax – Frankie Goes To Hollywood

The Reflex – Duran Duran

Feels Good – Tony! Toni! Tone!

Pleasure Principle – Janet Jackson

The Warrior – Patty Smyth

Need You Tonight – INXS

Don’t Treat Me Bad – Firehouse

Crazy Train – Ozzy Osbourne

Kiss Me Deadly – Lita Ford

Pour Some Sugar On Me – Def Leopard

Welcome To The Jungle – Guns & Roses

Oh Sheila – Ready For The World

Come On Feel The Noise – Quiet Riot

Dress You Up – Madonna

Express Yourself – Madonna

It Takes Two – Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock

Push It – Salt N Pepa

She Bop – Cyndi Lauper

People Are People – Depeche Mode

She Sells Sanctuary – The Cult

Alive And Kicking – Simple Minds

Saved By Zero – The Fixx

A little side dish here……I got sent home back in 1986 because I went to school with a bra and a lace midriff top and tight mini skirt with white pumps and lacy socks. I even had the cross around my neck and my hair was HUGE with a big bow in it. I drew a beauty mark on my face and told everyone to call me Madonna. Yeah, I did that. My Mom talked them out of suspending me but she was beyond pissed…go figure. Good times, very good times.