Happy Friday

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Yeah….I woke up like this. Thank God for flat irons… 😂

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Cake By The Ocean

My aunt is in her early fifties so she’s few years older than me. She’s one of my closest and best friends. She used to babysit me and likes to tell me stories about when I was a toddler and how I would blow snot bubbles out of my nose. She used to have to barricade herself from me with a baby gate to keep me away from her barbies. For some odd reason I liked ripping the heads off with my teeth. I guess I was a psychotic blonde blue eyed little cherub? Don’t single me out though…..come on, most toddlers are weird. When I see them they remind me of drunk people. They’re always stumbling around as if they don’t know where they live or where they’re going. They put their fingers up their nose and look dazed, confused and let’s face it, you can’t understand a word they’re saying can you? They’re slurred and drooling, are they not?

We went to visit my Aunt and Uncle a couple of weeks ago for a weekend trip. It consisted of  drinking, swearing, listening to music, eating, shopping, repeat. We always have a blast with them.

She texts me yesterday….

“What does Cake By The Ocean mean? I like this song.”

Keep in mind my personality is a mix of Amy Schumer and Tina Fey. My Aunt believes anything I tell her. She’s such an easy target for me.

Me: “Anal sex on the beach with a broom handle. Cut that shit off. You’re listening to porn music!”

Aunt: “LOL, I thought it meant sex! Geez, I like that song. Guess I’ll have to find another song to run through my head!”

Me: “Just kidding, it’s sex on the beach.”

Aunt: “LOL! You had me fooled! I need to be more street/music savvy. You’ll understand when you’re in your 50’s.”

Me: “50’s ain’t shit! You still got it going on. You drink, listen to rap, hip hop, swear, have weed in your fridge and go to Sunday School…you’re the coolest people I know. I hope I’m like you when I’m 50!”

Aunt: “I told you about the weed?”

Me: “Yep, your drunk ass offered us some. Everything else you told me is a secret. My lips are sealed.”

Ha! God I love her so much. She didn’t tell me any deep dark secrets while she was drunk thank goodness but she could if she wanted to. I would take it to the grave with me. Of course, there’s always the exception here with posting it if it’s funny. But, that’s OK, I don’t use my real name or her name at all so it’s still safe. I adore her. She’s the one person in my family that I can be myself with and she loves me unconditionally. She would follow my blog if I told her about it. One day I might. Moments with her I cherish. She’s more like a big sister than an Aunt. I really wish we lived closer. I miss her.

Anyway, hoping all of you have an Aunt like mine that is accepting, non-judgemental, that you can confide in and be loved unconditionally.

If you’ve not listened to Cake By The Ocean by DNCE check it out below and why haven’t you heard it? They play the hell out of it on the radio? 🙂

Happy Friday Loves!

Boom!

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Just sayin……

I’m not going to lie, the bright pink is what caught my eye on this quote. But then as I read the words I began to feel this would be my Friday Motto. I mean why not? I’m sexy, confident, clumsy and of course have RMS (restless mouth syndrome) so why not?Lord  have mercy I crack myself up Ha!

Happy Friday Loves! XOXO

 

Hump Day Shenanigans

Why not share my eighties heart throbs that were hung all over my walls as a teenager? What better way to start the day off, am I right ladies? And you’re so welcome!

Jon Bon Jovi…..Those lips!

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LL – Dayummmnnnn….

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Matt Dillon…..Sigh

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Hmmmm, Rob Lowe…..as we used to say in the eighties, he was Fiiinnneee

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I don’t care what you say, Carlton was adorable and super hot if you ask me….

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Of course I couldn’t forget The Will Smith, not only is he gorgeous but his sense of humor and style reeled me in…

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So there you have it….my eighties heart throbs. Who were yours? Guys, you can jump in too and tell me who you’re favorite ladies were too. I’d love for all of you to share your favorites.

Happy Humping Loves! XOXO

 

Haters & Stalkers

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I’m not quite sure why anyone would want to stalk me. I’m not THAT fabulous. As my blog title states….fabulous with glitches. Is it the chase? Is it that I was a challenge because I was so independent and didn’t want a committed relationship? Wait…What?…Don’t go jumping to conclusions now. I wasn’t a Slut, Ho, or Hoochie. I can tell you this, my # is less than 10 and I’m being completely honest. What do I have to hide? Shit, I’m here under an alias. There are quite a few people out there that I don’t ever want to find me. I’m here in the raw, out in the open with my thoughts. No, not necessarily showing my face or my real name but you get the point. You get the real me….my brains, emotions, and mental ticks, the shit that matters.

Stalkers can be Ex-Boyfriends, Ex-Husbands, Ex-Wives, Ex-Girlfriends, even Ex-Friendships….

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I just googled How common is it to be stalked?  The answer: Each year there are 6.6 million people stalked in the U.S. Women are nearly three times more likely to be stalked than men. It can happen to anyone. Be careful out there singles…..whether you’re male or female, it can happen to you. As Taylor Swift sings “Hater’s Gonna Hate.”

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How pathetic is it that the person that wants to keep up with you uses a friend to follow your tweets or your IG account? I mean really?

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Seriously, find your happiness and let go already!

Ok, enough of my stalker post. I’m moving onto some sunshine, coffee, birds chirping, maybe riding around with the top down today since it’s going to be 65, Yas!!!!

Have a great Sunday Loves XOXO

 

 

A Shituation…

Warning: This is definitely not ladylike and it might be disgusting to read for some of you…Yep, you’ve been warned.

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Ever had that rumbling and thunder in your tummy? If you’re saying no or shaking your head – YOU LIE!

We were on our way home a few weeks ago from eating Chinese food and I was driving. My hubby all of a sudden says “Uh Oh”. Me: “What’s wrong?” He says “Kung Pow! Kung Pow! I’m about to have an Assplosion!” I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes.  We flew home and he made it just in time.

Tonight we went out for crab legs and on the way home my tummy started singing heavy metal rock…..two miles from the house I started unbuttoning my pants. I began chanting “please don’t let me shit my pants” as my hubby was laughing his ass off.

Needless to say I found the best seat in the house…might I add poo-pourri vanilla mint is amazing! You never smell poop if you have this ready & accessible.

I often text my best friend when I’m pooping. I mean when else can I use this little 💩 emoji?

By the way, don’t snub your nose at this blog because you know you poop…everyone poops! There’s a book named Everyone Poops in fact. So there.

I’m happy to say I’ve never shit my pants…I’m sure the day will come but I hope it’s when I’m much older and in a nursing home.

I wonder if any of you have bathroom phobias? I cannot use a bathroom if someone else is in it. Example: I’m at the movies and need to go but there are people in the other stalls and I can hear them. Nope, I can’t do it. It grosses me out to think someone else is relieving themselves in the same room with me. I don’t want to hear urination or pooping going on. It’s freaky to me.

So here’s the thing….when someone tries to intimidate me or act like they’re better than me I imagine them shitting their pants and it makes me feel better.

Got any funny poop stories or bathroom phobias? Do share!