My Single Days – Part I

Just the other day my Bestie texted me “Look at this shit….it’s a text from this guy I used to date which was a narcissistic asshole.” His text just stated “Is this still your #?” She asks me “How should I respond? I want him to think it’s someone else so he’ll stop texting me forever.” Challenge accepted! My options for her were Option 1.) “Who Dat?” Option 2.) “Thank God you texted me, I tested positive! Where the fuck have you been?”  Option 3.) Send him a picture of a bearded dude with lip gloss and a duck face saying Heeeyyyy! She laughed her ass off and you know something, she decided to just ignore the text and give him dead air. She said she wanted to keep his feelings in check and didn’t want to hurt him. Classy, tasteful, and nice, unlike myself. Ha!

I also read The V-Pub’s blog which was his post about dating and awkwardness. Let me just say, if you’re not following Rob, shame on you, he’s fucking great!

After reading Rob’s blog and my friends text I thought why not blog about some of my past dating scene/single days. I think I’ll break it down into different segments for when the mood strikes as I have a few.

Part I – I was twenty eight years old and met a Professor at a college game and he asked me out. He was about 12 years older than me but there was something about his glasses, bow tie, beard, and suspenders that were kind of cute to me. He had salt and pepper hair and was tall and average built. He wanted to pick me up at my place but I decided to just have him meet me at work. There was a local restaurant within walking distance from my office. We grabbed a table, drinks and ordered dinner. The conversation was slow starting. He talked about his Mom, work, ex-wife, and the mountains. Yawn…boring. Besides, who talks about their ex on a first date anyways. As our dinner arrived and I had my first couple of bites he began sticking his fork in my food and eating off of my plate as well as his. I asked him “What do you think, it’s good right?” He said “Hmm Humm, very good” and kept stabbing at my plate and shoving it in his mouth. I finally just sat my fork down and watched him eat my dinner along with his. He kept telling me about his students, meetings and what hurdles he had at work never asking about me or my life.

As HE finished dinner and he paid the bill we started back to my office and as we got to my car I said “This is me” with my keys in hand. He leans into me and pins me up against the car and starts trying to kiss me. When I say “Try” I mean he was basically licking my face. Yuck. I put both hands on his chest and pushed him away and he looked shocked. He said “What’s wrong?” I said, “First of all you don’t just pounce on me like that, maybe you got the wrong signal or something but why are you licking my face?” He said “I wasn’t licking your face, I was kissing you.” Me: “Um, no you weren’t and you ate every damn thing on my plate and now I’m fucking starving to death so get the fuck out of my way so I can get out of here so I can find something to eat.” He’s walking away or marching away at this moment and says “I was buying the dinner so I can eat whatever the fuck I want.” I got in my car and as I drove by him I honked and rolled down my window and flicked him off yelling “Fuck you professor!!!”

Luckily I never heard from him again or ever ran into him again. I’m pretty sure the feeling was mutual. But, on a side note, don’t eat the other person’s meal on the first date or like EVER. I like to eat, I will share a bite or two but not my whole damn meal for Christ Sake. Also, each of you should contribute to the conversation. On the kissing thing, know the signs or if she’s looking at you “that way” etc. This was not happening on my date at all. No reason for him to pounce like he did. It might have went differently if he wouldn’t have eaten my meal and would’ve gotten to know me and we had a connection. But nope, he was connected to himself way more than connected to me. I’m sure he’s jacking off somewhere in a sock and looking at porn. 🙂