One of my best friends “Rhonnie” lives at the beach. We text all the time.
Rhonnie: So I’m out running errands. Get in Bessie to go home and as soon as I do my brother calls to shoot the shit. So I get out and sit on the curb. We are talking for 10 minutes and all of the sudden I feel little bites on my nute-nute and buttocks. Now keep in mind I went commando today. So I stand up and apparently I was sitting 3” away from an ant hill. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. I brush off the ants I can see and get in Bessie to finish our dialogue when all of the sudden I start to see ants coming out my shorts. No joke Sista! I. AM. FREAKING. OUT. Do you think those little fuckers went up my nute-nute? I feel like a thousand of them are in my shorts! 😩😳☹️😡🤢😬🤦🏼♀️🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜
Me: Sweet Baby Jesus! Get home and flush out the nute nute with diet coke…..it can’t be caffeinated or the nute nute becomes aroused for italian sausage 😂
Rhonnie: What?!?! You’re so fucking weird!
It’s been a while since I’ve shared any of these. But here goes…
Bestie Rhonnie: You watching Good Behavior?
Me: Yeah, it’s pretty good. Hubz says this girl reminds him of me with her trust & anger issues.
Bestie Rhonnie: No way. You’re the sweetest. I can’t see it.
Me: Um, yesterday I told a guy at work if he kept talking dirty to me that I would rip his throat out of his neck and ship it to his Mama and to shut the fuck up.
Bestie Rhonnie: Did he shut the fuck up?
Me: Haven’t seen him since, so I guess so.
Last weekend I was at the beach relaxing and enjoying the waves crashing onto the sand and a drink in my hand with live reggae music behind me at the Tiki Hut bar…..
Tuesday Morning –
Text From Me To My Friend Heather: My current view….Seriously? Really? Why?!?! Trying to teleport myself back to the beach instead of this
Heather: OMG, does he not feel the breeze? I’m laughing so hard right now!
Me: It’s like life is saying Ha Ha Fuck You Lennon, this is what you get for taking a vacation. Here’s a reality check, Enjoy! By the way girlfriend, I think he needs to see a dermatologist…there’s some bad stuff going on back there.
My Friend Heather: Ewwww
Bestie Rhonnie lives up north – Me, I’m a southern girl…..
Bestie Rhonnie: What you up to today?
Me: Fixin to go to the grocery store, what u doin?
Bestie Rhonnie: Fixin?! U fuckin’ hillbilly! LOL
Me: Fixin to drive up there and beat yo ass!
This one is even outside of my comfort zone but please don’t be judgy?
My Friend Tess: Did you know you can write a book on Kindle and it costs you nothing and you can make thousands of dollars doing it???
Me: Yep, I heard about that but who has time for that shit? Work is really fucking up my writing schedule right now anyways
My Friend Tess: Girl! I’ve decided to stick with full blown smut! That’s where the money is….actually I’m doing some research right now on Tentacle porn
Me: Yikes! LOL
I’m not even going to lie, I had to google the tentacle porn and it scared me, Ha! But, Tess is an incredible erotica blogger. So far she’s not posted anything about tentacle porn but she’s got some good stuff here https://thetawdrytalesoftess.com/ Don’t be scared, it’s good stuff. Remember, don’t be judgy!
Bestie Rhonnie:The fridge broke…tore that bitch apart. I. Fixed. It. Rhonnie adjusts tool belt and scratches imaginary balls
Me: That’s right, bitches get shit done SON!
The next day….
Bestie Rhonnie: Scratched the imaginary balls a little too prematurely, guess who’s buying a new fridge today?
My Aunt is freaked out by cats…she’s also highly allergic to them. They creep her out big time….
Aunt: Remember when you were little and I had to put up a baby gate to keep you out of the living room from ripping the heads off of my barbies and you were blowing snot bubbles? You were a demon child.
Me: This pussy is coming to get you, it’s going to steal your breath tonight, stop fucking reminiscing about shit and sober up!
<<<Photo Cred: Neighbors Kitty Franklin that is extremely nosy and always presses his cute little nose against my storm door>>>
Happy Friday Loves!
I thought I would start a new segment on Friday’s…like the name? Why not share my most private, deep, meaningful conversations with my favorites right? My husband thinks they’re pretty funny. It’s almost as if you’re secretly reading my private texts on my phone. They’re not that spectacular but for the guys out there maybe you’ll get a good insight on what women converse about in real life right?
My friend Rhonnie: I have to shit and I’m not anywhere near my porcelain thrown! I’m wearing white shorts and I hope I don’t shit myself.
Me: Where you at? What did you eat? I can get Uber to pick you up, better to shit in their car than you’re brand new Rogue.