Looking at you…Looking at me.
Gritting my teeth in this outer body experience.
Foreseeing this crash is gruesome.
You’re magnetic and disturbing.
Being in this moment I cannot withdraw from your grip.
Do I even want to?
You and I together were phenomenal.
Little did I know your edges were razor sharp.
Your sinister moves were no match for me.
Evil amateur at it’s best.
Duplicates in disguise all along.
Warped….Wounded and Finished.
Looking at you…Looking at me.
This is not my usual style of blogging but thought it needed to be written. There’s a sense of closure once you blog something isn’t there?
I met her in 1987 – We were sophomores in High School. I knew instantly we would be best friends when she walked into class. Her name was Mia.
She was undeniably magical. She wore Liz Claiborne, the original formula and she was the only one I knew that wore it. She had the prettiest most infectious laugh that made you want to be around her. It was almost like a drug. She always wore black and her scarlet red lipstick. She had freckles on her cheeks and a slight copper edgy bob. She drove a maroon 1986 Mustang GT with T-tops.
We hung out everyday at lunch and after school. We had a ton of mutual friends that were an eclectic bunch of mixed athletes, cheerleaders, punk rockers and ROTC kids. We would ride around for hours listening to Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leopard and Night And Day By Al B. Sure and sing at the top of our lungs racing whoever revved up their engine next to us. She knew how to drive to say the least.
After graduation everyone went their separate ways whether it be to college, work, marriage, babies, or whatever. She became an EMT in our hometown and fell in love with a fireman. They soon got married and had two beautiful boys.
We kept in touch via Facebook and whenever I would visit we’d have a girls night out and catch up. A few more years went by and she and her husband called it quits. She had custody of the boys and her ex had them every other weekend.
Mia had a seizure one day while driving to work and was in a car accident. She was diagnosed with epilepsy and lost her job. She moved in with her brother. He was amazing and a helping co-parent with the boys.
This is when her ex husband seized the opportunity to mentally antagonize her. He would constantly tell her she was worthless and had nothing to offer their children or anyone for that matter. He beat her down verbally every chance he got. He would tell her that she was disgusting and asked her one time “Why don’t you just end your life so that we can get on with ours?”
Little did we know that he had said these things to her. Not even her own brother or closest circle knew this. She kept it bottled up until one day she gave up. She had taken all she could from him. She honestly believed she was worthless after he told her over and over again how pathetic she was. He had brain washed her into thinking she was a burden in her mind. She was tired of fighting, begging, and pleading to see her boys.
That day Mia decided to write a note explaining to her loved ones that she had nothing left to offer and how her ex husband brought it to light. She went into detail of the things he had said to her and how painful it had been to hear but how she knew it was true. She said she was sick and her heart was breaking for her boys but she thought they would have a much happier life without her and without the bickering between her and her ex. She wrote each one of them a letter telling them how much she adored them and how she would be watching over them for the rest of their lives.
She took every single one of her medications and by doing so it caused her to have multiple seizures. Her body convulsed so much that it snapped her neck and many of her bones. She died a horrific painful death by the hand of her own and HIS. He broke her into pieces.
Why would anyone EVER put someone down like this? How could someone be so evil? Why didn’t we know? Why didn’t she tell us what she was going through? I often think about these questions and what were the signs that we missed? What IF?
I’m not blogging about this to bring you or anyone down. I’m a very positive, motivating, strong person but I learned a very costly lesson. I wanted to share Mia’s story with you to use this as an example of how we should always be PRESENT in people’s lives that we care about. I also wanted all of you to realize under no circumstances should you EVER allow someone to break you.
You are not weak or worthless. Mia was none of those things. She was an incredible mother, friend, sister, and had so much more to live for. The depression and his evil words broke her down. There was only one of Mia and there is only one of YOU. You have inner strength. You also have people that love you and will be strong for you. Tell them what you’re going through. Let them know you are hurting. They will help build you up. They’ll remind you of what you mean to them and how you’ve inspired them or gotten them through something difficult. We lean on each other.
Don’t you dare hide your pain and suffer alone. Dig deep and fight for yourself. I assure you, you are so worth the fight. Understand that you have so much more inside of you wanting to get out – Let yourself shine. Do not give them the power. We all deserve blissfulness. It might not be happening right this second but it will. Give yourself a chance.
You have wings…spread them and fly! I’m betting on you and I never lose. Pick that beautiful chin up and know you are magnificent. Are you reading this? Are you hearing me? Wake up and look in the mirror and tell yourself “You do not need validation from anyone. You are a fighter and fearless. You have something to offer.”
I hope this helps someone one day. I wish I could’ve said these things to Mia but it’s too late. I didn’t know. I should’ve been there for her and known. I can’t change that. But, I can help motivate and inspire others through my blog.
I loved her and I cherish my memories with her. I’ll never forget her and when I wear scarlet red lipstick she’s with me. She’s smiling and laughing that beautiful laugh of hers. I miss you Mia.