Regulating My Anger

Today a friend of mine challenged me to blog about a weakness, struggle, or an inner demon that I might have. I told her I really have none of those things. I went into that I’m a happy girl and really see the positive in everything and how beautiful my life truly is. I’m sure she was coughing and choking as she read that text calling BULLSHIT. She then pointed out to me, “What about your temper? You get pissed sometimes just because a barista gets your coffee order wrong. How about how your hubby is laid back and how you wished you were more like him? You could blog about how you get anxiety when you see your Mom and she picks you apart about your appearance.”

In my mind I’m thinking “Why the fuck do I tell her so much?” Ha! I tell her so much because she’s my female soul mate. No, we’re not lesbians but we’re connected like sisters. Keep in mind I’ve never met her in person. We met on Instagram last year and started texting each other and it’s so strange how she can think of me and text me and say “I have a feeling you’re pissed about something, tell me what’s up Sista, you OK?” How the fuck does she know that  I’m stressed beyond my  mind with work shit? She just knows and has the inclination to check on me. Her name is Rhonnie and she lives far far away and that’s why we’ve not met in person but I adore her to say the least.

Now, back to this annoying challenge she has given me……As the title of my blog says “Fabulous With Glitches” I have many glitches.

ANGER: This is the worst glitch that I have. I’m constantly fighting with my brain to hold back things I want to say or do when I’m angry. I often act on my anger before thinking about it and then regret what comes out of my mouth immediately. Whether it’s road rage, a co-worker, a lazy asshole that parks his car in the middle of the road and won’t move. My husband worries about me constantly that someone might kill me over the things I say out of anger. It’s funny but not so much really.

I’ll give you just one example of my anger in this blog and maybe more in the future. I’m not so sure if I want to share some of my anger moments with all of you yet but here’s one to get the ball rolling………

This one time at band camp…Ha! Ha! Ha! Gotcha there. Ok, this one time at work my boss chewed my ass out for being .5 cent off on a contract. What’s the big deal about 5 cent right? Well, that could’ve made us fail an audit and if we failed that audit he could lose his bonus of $10,000 so you can see why he was livid. I thought he was a bit harsh screaming at me and telling me how bad I had fucked up and that I would have to work until 9 pm and figure it out all by myself. Before he left he glared at me with his red face and veins popping out of his neck. He threw the contract at me and said fix this shit before you leave. I was crying my eyes out because I was so fucking mad at the way he had treated me. After I found my mistake and fixed the contract I decided to e-mail my friend Andy at another branch. In my e-mail I explained what had just happened and poured my anger out typing “He’s such a fucking bastard. I swear he’s satan’s spawn. I bet he’s impotent and can’t even get it up. I hate him so much right now.” I hit send and went home.

The next morning I’m sashaying into the office forgetting about being ill the night before and wearing my tight little black dress and my new Mary Jane’s thinking how incredible I look and my boss screams “Lennon!!!!! Get in here now!” Sigh…damn, he’s still trippin’ on last nights .5 cent fuck up. Damn. I go into his office with my coffee and smile and he says “Sit Down and wipe that shit eating grin off your fucking face.” I immediately sit the fuck down and he starts reading out loud to me “He’s such a fucking bastard. I swear he’s satan’s spawn. I bet he’s impotent and can’t even get it up. I hate him so much right now.” My heart fell out of my uterus at that point. I couldn’t breathe. His huge bug eyes were staring right through me and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I began to shake. Fuck me! Andy ratted me out or forwarded it to him? Nope, I e-mailed it to my boss. I was so mad, so heated, so fucking angry that I typed the e-mail and sent it to him. Yeppers, I’m an idiot. My boss was beyond irrational, he called me stupid, ignorant, a piece of shit, etc. He told me he might even fire me over it. I begged him not to fire me. I was single and making a lot, I mean A LOT of money. I didn’t want to lose my job. I was his highest grossing sales associate and had won him awards and helped him get those fat ass bonuses, so I did have that going for me.

Thank God he told me to get my ass back to work and that he would keep me around after I said I was sorry and begged him for forgiveness. We both moped around and pouted for days in our awkward stance but soon we got over it and were friends again. To this day we joke about it. No, he’s not my boss anymore. We’ve moved on but kept in touch. He was a mean ass drill Sergeant type of guy but he also had a teddy bear softer side to him. For that I’m grateful. This episode of my life could’ve went so much worse. The point to my example is I got so fucking angry that I typed up a toxic mean and hurtful e-mail without thinking before I sent it. My anger got the best of me and could’ve ruined me. Therefore, it’s a serious problem, weakness, glitch for me. I’m constantly coaching and  disciplining myself mentally to self improve. I have good days and bad days. Some days I lose control and shit flies out of my mouth. Then I have to back pedal like crazy and say I’m sorry over and over to bail myself out of the shit storm I’m in.

I am The Shit Storm when I’m angry. I shouldn’t let things irritate me so much. These moments should be learning experiences and I should practice my calming skills that I’m trying so hard to work at. I am a work in progress to say the least.

My blog is targeted at empowerment, strength, encouragement, confidence, and many other things but mostly it’s for me to grow, motivate and push myself. I do hope it helps you out or others that face issues daily. If it does, as they say, That’s just icing on the cake. Right now, it’s just cake. And I do love cake. 🙂