Sigh…..this hump day shenanigans is a bit more personal….no fear, it will still be funny (I hope?) I’m beginning to run out of ideas so why not share something from my past right?
It was 1988 and I was sixteen years old. I was on my third date with Todd. My curfew was 10:30 pm and it was a Friday night. I decided to invite him in after our date.
I had already asked my Dad and Step Mom if it would be OK…My Step Mom Dottie assured me that they would be tucked away in bed by 10:30. This way I would have the living room all to myself to watch Less Than Zero. I had gotten the VHS tape for my birthday that year. It had the best sex scene ever in it with Andrew McCarthy and Jami Gertz in a hallway hiking up her skirt. It also had Robert Downey, Jr. in it. This would guarantee a serious make out session. By the way, if you’ve never seen the movie, I strongly suggest watching it, it’s one of my favorites from the eighties…
Make Out Session in my 16 year old mind was: French Kissing, Ass Grabbing and maybe allowing him to touch my tits. That was making out to me. I had only kissed one boy before and I was ready to take it to the next step which I thought was very serious.
As I unlocked the door and Todd followed me into the house there was one lamp on in the living room and all of the other lights were out. I put my finger over my lips…”Shhh” I had to check to see if I could hear anyone breathing or talking in the house. Not a peep.
We scurried around getting the movie going and piled up on the sofa and cut out the lamp. The only light on was the flashing of the scenes for Less Than Zero. We were under a blanket cuddled up kissing within seconds. I couldn’t believe it….I was actually finally going to make out with this cute, tall, dark and handsome boy that was popular and drove a really cool 1965 red Chevy pick up truck. He was different because he would open the door for me, bring me some sort of flower every time he picked me up from his Mom’s garden and called me sweetheart with his deep southern laid back voice. I really, really liked him a lot.
Within a few minutes he had manged to unhook my bra and I was in the moment. He tasted like sweet peppermint and smelled like Drakar…….
Suddenly I heard a door open and a thump, thump, thump down the hallway. Who was it? My little sister didn’t walk that hard and neither did my Step Mom…..it was dark and I couldn’t see who was coming in….Our living room, dining room and kitchen were all open for an entertaining floor plan. No closed doors in any of those rooms. It seemed like it took forever because Todd’s hand had stopped creeping around to my chest and he seemed frozen and in shock like me. I think both of our hearts stopped beating. Whoever was coming could clearly see us bundled up on the sofa from the Less Than Zero movie putting a spotlight on our frightened faces….
It was DAD. My Dad was thumping along into the kitchen in his tight white underwear and nothing else on. My Dad was close to 400 lbs back then and he turned towards the refrigerator and opened it which put the spotlight on his very large belly and furry back. He stood staring into the fridge scratching his ass trying to decide what he was going to devour. Meanwhile Todd whispers “Is that your Dad? Why isn’t he wearing any clothes??? He looks like a grizzly bear…” Before I could answer him my Dad bends down to pick up something out of the fridge and lets out a nasty loud ass fart.
Todd jumps up throws the blanket on the floor and says “I gotta go. See you tomorrow.” He runs out of my house as fast as possible and my Dad turns to look at me with the gallon of chocolate milk in his hand and says “Hope he didn’t leave on account of me Darlin'”
Me: “Are you fucking kidding me Dad? Dottie told you to go to bed and she promised me ya’ll would leave me alone so I could have the living room for me and Todd!!!!”
Dad: “Darlin, you know Dottie falls asleep as soon as her head hits the pillow and I’m not going to let you sit in here with a fuckwad taking advantage of you. You know me better than that. Nighty Night, sleep tight, see you in the morning.”
He waddled down the hall back to their room and shut the door.
Nope, Todd never asked me out again and I didn’t even get felt up. So much for my big make out session.
Thanks A lot Dad!
Leaving you all with this iconic song from the Less Than Zero soundtrack. Have a great hump day loves!