Looking Back…Part II

If you missed Part I, you’ll want to read it first so here you go…

https://fabulouswithglitches.wordpress.com/2016/04/02/looking-back-part-i/

Now for Part II…

He was out of town so I called an attorney and got in to see him the next morning. I filed for divorce and had some friends move me out and into an apartment by Thursday. I didn’t take everything, just what I needed. I didn’t clear out his bank account as we had separate accounts. I took what was mine and left. But come Friday evening I was waiting for him to arrive at the house from being on the road all week. I was sitting on the sofa when he walked in and kissed me on the forehead. He hadn’t noticed a few pictures were not on the walls or the coffee table was even gone. He fixed a drink and sat down in the living room across from me.

“Something’s different in here. What is it?” Before I could answer him he then said “There’s something different about you too.”

I stood up shaking and said “I’ve moved out. I’ve filed for divorce and the papers are on the kitchen table. Please drop them by the attorney’s office this week.”

His mouth was wide open and he scratched his head and said “Why?” I sighed….”You know exactly why. You don’t think you have a problem. You treat me like shit. I’ve fallen out of love with you. It’s for the best.”

“Don’t leave me. You’re all I’ve got. I love you and I’ll change. I’ll go to counseling with you. We can make this work.”

“I went to counseling. Where the fuck were you? Oh, that’s right, you were hear drinking, smoking weed, snorting blow up your nose with your friends. You’re not going to charm me out of leaving you. It’s done.”

I got up and walked out while he stood in the doorway watching me. I immediately drove over to his parents house and explained it all to them. It was very difficult for me to tell them. Not once did I cry when I told him I was leaving but I cried a river telling his family. They begged me not to go and to try to make it work. They reminded me of my vows and how God would see us through it. I told them not this time. I also told them that God hadn’t seen me or him through it. I was losing my faith. Not only had my husband broken the vows but so had I in having an affair.

I can remember them hugging me so tight as I stood to leave their house. Not only had I left my husband but I was leaving this beautiful loving family that had taken me under their wing and loved me as their own. It was almost like a death.

As I began my new life it was a relief to me. He would no longer put me down or push me around. I could be whoever I wanted to be. I had about eight girlfriends that were my family now. I didn’t want to move back to my hometown. I had a great career and my own place for the first time in my life. Things were definitely changing for the better.

Somehow he found my phone number and my apartment. He then started calling and leaving notes on my door. He also showed up at work a few times. I kept telling him it was over. After a few weeks he finally stopped.

A couple of months went by and I heard he’d met someone. Mutual friends told me she looked a lot like me. Instead of thinking “He’s moved on. I’m happy for him.” The first thing that came to mind was “That poor girl.” I said a prayer for her and her little girl as I heard she had a three year old daughter.

His Mom and his little sister came to see me a few times at work to say hi. Each time it was very hard. All three of us would hug and cry missing each other so much. A few days later he showed up to my work and asked me to cut off all communication with his family. He said he was engaged and his Mom wouldn’t let me go. She kept telling him she would never accept anyone else and that we were meant to be together. He said she wouldn’t take our pictures off of the walls and tormented his new fiance’ stating she would never fill my shoes. I agreed to his request as I felt so bad for his new fiance.

The next time his Mom and little sister came by my office to see me I told them that it had to stop. It was his request and that they had to move on and accept his new fiance. It was his wishes and we all needed to move on. I told them it was breaking my heart to tell them goodbye as it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to say to someone. I’m tearing up now just writing about it. I can’t express the love I had for these two women. I could see how hurt they were too. They hugged me and told me they would never forget me and that they knew it was the right thing to do and that God would want them to let me go but it was killing them. I can remember having to leave the office that day and go home because I was so distraught. I cried for days after saying goodbye to them. That hurt the most of anything else I’d ever been through in my twenty five years.

As I let go of that beautiful modern day Walton family I began to find myself. I learned to live alone and to appreciate myself. I enjoyed being alone and spending time with my girlfriends when the time allowed. I worked on my inner strength and decided who I was and I liked myself. I determined that I could live being single the rest of my life. I was happy and in control of my life and I had no one to please or to answer to.

As most of you know I dated some and have posted some single day moments which you can find here…

https://fabulouswithglitches.wordpress.com/2016/01/23/my-single-days-part-i/comment-page-1/

https://fabulouswithglitches.wordpress.com/2016/01/28/my-single-days-part-ii/

https://fabulouswithglitches.wordpress.com/2016/02/14/my-single-days-part-iii/

https://fabulouswithglitches.wordpress.com/2016/02/19/my-single-days-part-iv/

And then I met my husband. You can read one piece I’ve written about him below…

https://fabulouswithglitches.wordpress.com/2015/09/15/hold-me-up/

He’s extremely private. The complete opposite of me but he is my “person”. God I honestly love him more than the air that I breath. It took me years to find myself and to love myself again and that’s when we found each other. He’s told me so many times that he cannot imagine me ever being weak, helpless, confused, or unsure of myself or in any situation. I’ve grown so much strength in myself and independence it’s almost scary how different I am today than I was when I was first married.

As time went by I heard through friends that my ex-sister-in-law with down syndrome passed away. She was only 47 years old. I could only imagine the heartbreak and depression my ex-mother-in-law must have went through. Less than a year later I heard she also passed away. No, I didn’t reach out to make contact after either of them passed away. I prayed. I prayed hard that the family had peace and I cried too. I was shocked they were both gone and the last thing I had said to them many years ago was goodbye and to let me go and to move on. Talk about emotionally hurting inside.

I decided to make a trip back to Tennessee to visit my girlfriends a few weeks later. I spent a weekend of drinking cocktails, eating dinner, reminiscing, shopping and just fantastic girl time with them. But on Sunday afternoon when I was about to head out of town…two of them went with me to the cemetery to find those precious headstones. As we finally found them and I was arm and arm with my girlfriends I dropped to my knees and began to cry. I remember softly saying “I’m here now. I’m here. I’m so so sorry I said goodbye so many years ago. I wish I wouldn’t have given in and allowed you to be a part of my life. I’ve missed you both more than you will ever know. I love the way you loved me and one day I will see you again in heaven and tell you I love you all over again. We’ll have a fresh start when I arrive, promise.”

My heart is so heavy now writing this and sharing this with all of you. It was so surreal for me to be on my knees crying and visiting their graves. I was able to finally talk to them again. Sure, they weren’t really there but they knew. I feel they knew I was there and possibly looking down on me and smiling. My girlfriends were so sweet to go with me and to be there for me while I had my emotional melt down. We left roses for them and walked away all crying. It was the exact closure I needed. They were family to me. Family I had lost many moons ago but were still deeply in my heart. Still to this day I miss them terribly but I am happy I had the years I had with them.

My ex married the girl that looked like me and had a little girl. A few  years later she left him. She is remarried and I’ve heard he’s still an addict and a functioning one like always. He has a great job and is still living in Tennessee. He’s lost more family members recently. So sad.

Although I do not want to be his friend nor will I accept that friend request… I wish him nothing but happiness and hope that one day he will realize he deserves so much more. Maybe one day he’ll realize a sober life is a better life. I don’t regret meeting him or marrying him. It’s made me who I am today. I love ME today. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I’m happy and no one will ever take my happy away. I’m in control always and I deserve happiness just like all of you do.

So, if someone ever makes you feel bad about yourself or mistreats you…know your worth. You are valuable. You are worthy of happiness. Go make it happen. You control your life. Take care of you. We can’t always fix the people we love. It’s OK to let go sometimes. You’ll have to make that decision on your own. Just know there are other options for you. You don’t have to be in a bad situation. Get the fuck out if you’re unhappy. Again, you are so worthy.

Find your happiness loves! I sure did….XOXO

 

 

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25 comments

  1. itsathought2 · April 2, 2016

    Sometimes you have to let go of the weight that is drowning you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. sonofabeach96 · April 2, 2016

    It’s funny you mentioned them “feeling” you there. I’m gonna post something soon about a similar phenomenon we experience. Very brave of you to post this. I’m sure it triggers some things. I hope it helped to put it on paper. 😃

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thumbup · April 3, 2016

    I love happy endings!

    Like

  4. T. Wayne · April 3, 2016

    Read both parts, and yes the last full paragraph is what I had to learn when my marriage ended. I had to realize that eventually, I would be OK alone. And while I haven’t met anyone yet, I haven’t lost hope that I will. The time I’ve been alone has been put to use finding out who I am, what I want and what are deal breakers for me. Thanks for sharing; I know it wasn’t easy to do so. And so glad things are better for you…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lennon Carlyle · April 3, 2016

      Thanks T. Wayne 😀 You have a great say of looking at the big picture. You’re a smart one and what a catch! Be selective and as cheesy as it sounds, be you. That’s was one of my deal breakers. I told my husband before I married “Don’t ever try to change me. I won’t change you. We’re perfect and seasoned just right.” He agreed and here we are today about to celebrate 9 years. The perfect one will come along one day for you…until then, you make the rules and do what you want. Sounds fantastic to me!

      Liked by 1 person

      • T. Wayne · April 3, 2016

        Thank you, Lennon! I appreciate the kind words! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Dr Meg Sorick · April 3, 2016

    Wow, what a road you traveled… Unless you’ve been through a painful breakup, you don’t realize the side effects: losing a family you loved, possibly losing a whole set of friends if they decide to take sides. It’s never a clean break, it’s more like a disintegration. Thank goodness you had such good girlfriends to stand with you during that time. I’m so happy you found your happily ever after! It makes all of the rest worth it. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Woebegone but Hopeful · April 3, 2016

    A Long Hard Road narrative, beautifully told. I’m glad you found a good place waiting around the bend.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. grandfathersky · April 3, 2016

    You were wiser than many. He obviously was enabled by his “loving” family. You were given a great lesson, and learned so much. The most important thing is that you made his problems his … That is key to surviving … All the best to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. liverpoolmunky76 · April 4, 2016

    Fantastic post, heartfelt and honest story. You told it as you felt it and didn’t paint yourself as the hero, which many do. We could all learn from your strength and I am glad it has led you to your happiness

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lennon Carlyle · April 4, 2016

      That’s a really big compliment. Thank you so much for your kind words. No hero here that’s for sure. I still live with the guilt of having that affair. But, again, I don’t regret it as it put me right where I’m at today. Everything happens for a reason. I honestly believe that.

      Liked by 1 person

      • liverpoolmunky76 · April 4, 2016

        I’m not a believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that even the worst things in life have a purpose to be found within. That affair is something you did, guilt-worthy or not, but you learned from it and thus you wouldn’t do the same thing again perhaps, but are more understanding of other’s mis-steps.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Lennon Carlyle · April 4, 2016

        Absolutely. I mean, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Some people like to rank the mistakes or throw it in your face and judge you. The main thing is learning from them. No way would I ever do it again. No fucking way. Thanks for reading and being so kind!

        Like

      • liverpoolmunky76 · April 4, 2016

        I am in the process of learning from my recent mistakes and as for being kind, I am simply honest.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. K E Garland · April 4, 2016

    I have a friend who is divorced and realized that she was living more for her husband than for herself. But now she cares about nothing, except what’s going to make her happy, but in a selfish way. I’m wondering if you went through a similar period, or if you’re balanced?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lennon Carlyle · April 4, 2016

      I did go through that right after my divorce. Figured things out & balanced myself out then met the hubby. So I’m good now 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • K E Garland · April 4, 2016

        Whew! Good. And great story!

        Liked by 2 people

      • Lennon Carlyle · April 4, 2016

        I’ve come along way. My hubby often tells me I put others before myself and should say No. Just not in me 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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