We often wonder in our minds “Are we good enough?” What makes us good enough?
All of us have a story don’t we? When I say a story, I mean something has went wrong, cracked our foundation, or shall I say, someone has wronged us and we feel damaged. The damages often make us resilient don’t you think?
Sometimes we blame ourselves for the damages, mental flaws, failures, etc. We syke ourselves out and think of ourselves as bruised….not good enough…Oh but we are.
This post is uncomfortable for me to say the least. I’m having to pull some distasteful memories from my secret locker to share with you.
As a few of you know in my previous posts I’m somewhat a direct, iron-willed, sarcastic “In Yo Face” kinda chic. I’ve not always been this headstrong. I used to suffer from “Daddy Issues”.
I’ll jump right in and give you a few examples of what my “Daddy Issues” are. My Dad had multiple affairs while married to my Mom. So what right? A lot of people have affairs. When I was 12 years old my Dad decided to go to confession. Um, we’re not catholic and he didn’t go see a Priest. He confessed to me. He told me every single detail from where he had sex with them, what music was playing, if it was in his van, a motel, what she was wearing, etc. Being a child I didn’t really understand or know to say “Shut the fuck up Dad. I don’t want to hear this bullshit.” He absolutely ruined the song “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy” for me. And I LOVE Rod Stewart. Sigh…..
My Dad was set up to have my brother and I every other weekend although he really didn’t keep up his child support payments. My Mom didn’t hold that against him as she wanted him to be a part of our lives. No, I never told her that he confided in me about his sexual encounters because I was smart enough to know it would devastate her. I also thought she might not allow me to see my Dad. He would show up on a Friday night to pick us up and we’d have our little bags packed and so excited to see him. He’d explain to us something came up and how he wouldn’t be able to take us with him and give us a quarter to make it all better. Yep, a quarter. That was what we were worth to him. Later in life my Dad compared me a lot to my Mom by calling me names, making fun of my tears, putting me down constantly.
I’m not sharing all of this for any of you to feel sorry for me. That’s not the case at all. I know that people have had much worse situations. There are millions of parasites out there that make my Dad look like The Pope.
I’ve learned so much from my experience with my Dad. I’ve learned to forgive him and move on. Still to this day he calls me after watching a movie or TV show and seeing an actress that reminds him of me. (Mostly Drew Barrymore) I so wish I looked like her. Dad needs to have his eyes checked. He’ll cry to me on the phone telling me about this movie or seeing her and thinking of me and wants to tell me he loves me. I do love him but I don’t need him. In his little mind he thinks he was a good father and that we’re close. He chooses to remember the good times and not the bad ones. I’m fine with that. Whatever gets you to sleep better at night Dad. Live and let live right?
He does not define me and never will he. We have many of the same traits as I’m outgoing, blunt, funny, personable, bossy, a workaholic to some extent just like him. To be brutally honest he was just the sperm donor and made this bad ass blue eyed clumsy opinionated chic. It’s a warped relationship I have with him but I’ll take it and continue learning from it.
I’ll leave you with this beautiful song that I’ve always loved. “There’s more to me than you” by Jessica Andrews – Whether you have your own “Daddy Issues”, going through a break up, “Mommy Issues”, the list could go on….There is more to you than that person. This song is inspiring and can get you through some tough times. After hearing it I think it will help you hold your beautiful face up towards the sun and know that you are so worthy of happiness.